Monday, October 09, 2006

Drumming Up Business

In Catholic school, the nuns and priests taught us that unbaptized babies who died went to limbo. They could not go straight to heaven because they have original sins, which was supposedly been inherited from Adam and Eve. You know....sins of the parents!!!

Limbo, according to Mr. Webster, is defined as: "a place or state of restraint or confinement, a place or state of neglect or oblivion, an intermediate or transitional place or state, a state of uncertainty."

For those of you who are of Christian denominations but has not read or disected the bible, Limbo is nowhere to be found in that book.

So, in what seems to be a change of teaching from this dogma, the infallible pope, who actually has a hotline link straight to god, has cast aside centuries of Catholic belief by abolishing formally the concept of limbo in a gesture calculated to help win the souls of millions of babies in the developing world for Christ.


Soon it shall be said, "all dead babies go to heaven."

But wait! Why stop there? Why not abolish purgatory, too?

This piece from Tom Shield of the Sunday Herald, is hysterical.

"Purgatory is problematic. It’s the place where you go to atone for your sins. We’re not talking major felonies here. We’re talking about taking a chocolate biscuit without parental permission. More serious offences such as coveting the ass of that looker next door send you straight to hell. Purgatory is a temporary prison for the soul, like Barlinnie but without the slopping-out. Given the number of sinners, purgatory is probably over-crowded. It would be more crowded except that sinners from North Lanarkshire go straight to heaven because they have already suffered purgatory on Earth. I have a suggestion and, if you’re reading this Pope B16, please pass it Upstairs for consideration. Abolish purgatory and incorporate it into heaven as a kind of open prison.

Let the purgatorial miscreants earn their celestial wings by doing community service. Fluffing up clouds, peeling grapes, spreading Philadelphia cheese (you’ve seen the adverts), and performing menial tasks such as buffing the pearly gates. Or we could revert to the mediaeval Catholic practice of selling indulgences. That was the system whereby sinners could mitigate their time in purgatory by making cash donations to the church.

Having modernised, New Catholicism could set up its own affiliate Indulgence credit card. The more cash you spend on Earth, the less time you spend in purgatory.

I suspect that even with a platinum Indulgence card, having written the above heretical words, I may be condemned to spend eternity sharing a room in hell with Brigitte Bardot."


I say, if the pope really wants to drum up more business he should also drop the concept of the second circle of hell called purgatory, and hand out a free ipod or prada shoes for every convert.

We don't need to abolish heaven and hell. For every heaven, there is definitely a little bit of hell and vice versa. We are already in it!


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