Friday, November 26, 2004

To Live Again

Friends came over for the Thanksgiving holiday. I am thankful for great friends.

My husband, for some weird reason, on most holidays, becomes a jerk to me. I call him a natural born asshole because he is very good at it. It just comes out naturally. Last year he was the pompous ass. This year he is crude and angular.

Years ago, I'd fight him one on one. Sometimes it got ugly, we said things we regretted later. During one of our fights, I got worn out. I just kept quiet. I think I hit a nerve because after a while, he would want to talk things over. But you see, I got so good at building a wall around myself so I won't get emotionally drained, I kept on doing it. The only problem was keeping quiet made me boil inside. Each time we fight I ignored the feeling of seething anger within me.

I am now beyond anger. I just don't care! Today, while I write this journal, I feel a certain animosity towards him. A resentment leading to loss of love. Why do I stay in a relationship where emotional closeness is in intravenous tubes and physical intimacy is in a coma?

I dream of living again...


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